Really

I am writing this post in a new setting, in a wonderful evening and it feels like a breath of fresh air. Literally. I'm kind of preoccupied with my own scattered thoughts, unresolved feelings or generally I guess I can finally say that adulting is hard. Being a grown-up is starting to make me lose some sense and I might have blown up a few 'fuses'. Haha, but worry not, I am still in one piece, I hope?

This is the end of our lengthy and never-gonna-appear-again holiday of 3 weeks duration. And we'll start our final semester in just 2 days. This also marks that the journey is going to be tougher and Pro 2 Exam will be just around the corner- in just a few months. We'll go to class, eat, pray, play, sleep and the cycle repeats until there's no distance between genuine fear of the exam and the exam itself (OMG!!).

Honestly speaking, I took a number of breaks to write this since getting into the feels also require minutes to probably hours. Plus, welcoming in visitors every now and then especially today (Sunday) aka the last day of our holiday is a whole day event. And now, I don't even know what I am going to write about. Haih.

Assalamualaikum and hi people!

Welcome or welcome back to my spellbinding blog teehee.

I don't have a specific title/theme to my post today. But, I do have a quote to share from Twitter. 

'If you're overthinking, write. If you're underthinking, read.'

It is the unwritten rules of producing a piece, that you can never improve by just writing and not reading. And you won't have positive progress by just reading and not writing. It has to be done simultaneously. But forgive me if sometimes I write like a "textbook", because most of the books I'm reading are textbooks haha. Also, I am having a battle with myself that even reading the best-selling book by Yasmin Mogahed within this 3 weeks is a struggle.

Next, let's talk about what's bothering me this past few months. Oh and of course, there'll be plenty of filters, so you might as well assume that my honesty level is set at 70%, maybe?

As far as I can remember, I can never say no. To almost everything. I can never say no to "Can I borrow your homework? Just as a reference, don't worry. Mine's left at home", not knowing they intentionally leave their homework every single day. I can never say no to "You're the best person to fill in this position, I can see your potential. You should go for it!", not knowing that at that time I shouldn't accept any more responsibility because I am a mere human, not an angel with multiple hands or an extra 13 hours to my usual 24 hours a day. I can never say no to, "Can you help me with this? I have to tend to sth more important than this, pleaseee?", not knowing that I am being taken advantage of just because I can never say no. I was that naive. Super naive. Back then. 

Nevertheless, those are the things that helped me grow. These experiences helped me be more mature and taught me that the world is not filled with kindhearted people only. There are those who can accept you as you are but also those who can't stand even the sight of you. But I'm not agreeing to the myth that people should take advantage of other people to help them grow, duh. We're in the 21st century people! Don't be that ignorant!

Anyways, since I should never commemorate the details of the unlucky things that befalls me in the form of sth public and permanent (aka writings in any social media), what I can say is that, this time around, I want to be a different me. I just don't want to be selfless. Just for once, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to prioritize my feelings before others. I wanted to focus on my wellbeing than others. I wanted to portray that I'm not a mere 'rest-stop' where you can come to when you want and leave as you wish. I wanted to acknowledge that I, too, am able to sparkle without you. And I wanted to stick to my decision despite having to lose sth that used to be precious to me, at least if not others. Because it was painful. And I was scarred. Ask anyone who had experienced the same thing, the answer will be similar. It can never be the same, ever. In all honesty I just, I just wanted to finish this off, and be back for good. Really. :)

Till then, adios!